I cut my hand while shaving my brows right before the lunar new year, new year same old hectic. Anyway, I wished a client over the first phone call we had this year and she jokingly replied me that it’s too late, which made me realise how quickly January went by.
Socialising is hard, especially after 2 years of isolation. That or I really haven’t got the hang of networking. I went to my colleague’s place for a new year gathering and to be honest, even after a year of having lunch together, I still feel much awkwardness with them. Not sure if it’s the difference in interests or because I don’t understand most of their inside jokes. Nonetheless, I am thankful for having such friendly and nice colleagues.
I watched Spider-Man for the second time when I hung out with my friend, and I really do fixate on one thing once I get hooked onto it. Even after that, I still felt like re-watching the movie for a third time. Maybe it’s because I managed to binge all the previous movies on Netflix before watching NWH again and finally caught all the Easter eggs. I know people say it’s a good movie even as a standalone, but I still personally feel like if you have no knowledge of the MCU and/or some idea of what the other universes were about, it wouldn’t be all that fun. You lose the essence of many plot points without all the backstory.
On the same note on fixation, I kept thinking about the failed pancakes we had for breakfast during our Christmas retreat. I really couldn’t get over the fact that I couldn’t succeed at something as simple as pancakes, when soufflé pancakes didn’t even faze me. I know the main problem was the horrid aluminium pot and awfully weak fire from the stove, but the nagging voice kept saying it was a me problem. Thankfully, the ones made at home were a success (although I burnt the first one) and took so much lesser time, bless.
Other than the never ending baking (I have the recipe for chocolate chip cookies memorised now) outside work, I feel like I spent majority of my January in a self-inflicted heartache and meaningless dwelling. I want to say I don’t know what triggered this sudden longing but I know it has always been something I never let go of. I told my friend one night, I’m going to tell, I don’t really care of the consequences because all I need is a clean rejection so I can move on. Instead she asked me how can I be sure what these feelings are when I say I don’t know that person all that well, when we don’t talk at all outside the meetups our group of friends arrange.
It’s true, it’s been six years and I don’t know if I would still be thinking like this if I made different choices all those years ago. I’m afraid that the intense feelings I’ve been having these past months are just a figment of my imagination, but I’ve looked back and I know that no matter how messed up my memory is, some things are real. I promised myself that I would do something, so hopefully this endless what-if’s will end and I face my fears.
January, 2022.
