How Working From Home and “Forced Positivity” Sent Tumbling Down a Never Ending Anxiety Spiral
Trigger warning: anxiety / panic
I can’t remember if I was always a person with anxiety, because life in high school was always a push to go forward that I never really stopped and think about worst-case scenario’s. Maybe it started in college, when every semester was a nerve breaking pass or lose your scholarship fight. Maybe it’s because I keep withdrawing from people and the lack of a social support system amplified the self-doubt knocking on the door.
I’ve been telling people I hate working from home, I literally celebrate when we get a return notice. It may seem selfish in the scheme of things in this pandemic, but I can’t help feeling like I’m losing my sanity after a long period of home office. I’m scared too, stepping out the door means exposure to risk of being infected, though it never overwhelms me like the rest.
Being in office gives me a social circle, I have colleagues to actually speak with (not type out HAHAHA as a response to everything funny) and I can see their expressions without assuming the worst of a properly punctuated sentence. Phone calls feel less daunting when they come in and when bosses look for me, it’s less ‘oh shit did I screw up?’ and more ‘oh yeah I have an answer’. Being in office means I get to separate life, and life, because my bedroom isn’t an extension of the work desk, neither the work desk being an extension of my bedroom.
It’s certainly a me thing, which many may also be experiencing, but I am extremely self-deprecating. I’m stuck with never ending negativity and full of doubt. If I make a mistake, my mind pushes me to the edge of you are the worst, you’re so wrong for this, how could you do that, they are furious, they are disappointed, they do not want you, you are creating more trouble, you are a nuisance. If I managed to talk so someone or the matter gets solved eventually, I recover and the fog clears out. Except this cycle continues continuously and it gets work and worst every time.
It doesn’t help that I feel bad for needing someone to talk to, what are my problems compared to many others? Bare minimum. I feel like a brat who can’t handle slight pressure, and I scold myself because I should man up instead of whining. I’m not the only one with problems so what’s the big deal?
This is where I bring in ‘forced positivity’, or I guess toxic positivity. I’ve mention this before as a word vomit somewhere online, but I hate toxic positivity and the way it brushes off many issues. Although maybe it’s wrong to say toxic because sometimes these are said with real intent to comfort. Depending on the recipient, sometimes they might even work.
What I hate about it though, is that it because a mechanism to ignore the problem we cannot solve. I am not guilt-free of being that person, I’ve done it myself as a natural response, later looking back to realise I could have worded myself better and be more attentive. As a receiver, it makes me feel small because maybe I’m overreacting, but it doesn’t nullify the feelings I actually felt, and that sucks because does that mean my feelings are a lie?
The best example right now would be “omg hey at least you have a job right now, be thankful because some people have been retrenched”. A first world problem maybe, but my friend told me this recently, every struggle is valid. I shouldn’t need to feel guilty for because I feel awful for something that impacts myself, especially when my feelings to not cause them more pain. This is easier said than done, because I haven’t stopped thinking I’m too privileged to be feeling like crap in this situation.
Do you see a recurring theme here? It’s always me thinking. Every scenario that sends me on overdrive is a situation created by pure imagination. My therapist (I reached out for counselling recently but I’m not sure if you call it that) asked me to think about this — all these that you have running in your mind, are they real? Can you change any of it? There are a few thinking techniques too but I’m still too routinely pushed into wild thoughts to be the one giving advise.
Somehow or rather, I’ve also talked to my mother and that pulled me out of my flunk today. Which is also a sign, I keep being concerned about my family problem without talking to my family and overwhelming myself with a non-issue. Talk it out, not endless passage of rants, still learning about this.
I cried today, and that’s fine, I don’t have to feel awful after crying, and crying don’t have to make me feel relif, crying is just crying and its natural.
Is this article all over the place? Is it full of errors? It’s all okay, we can work on it. Failures are okay.
Leaving with a quote I heard yesterday (my current emotional support kpop boi):
“the problems and worries that you create in your head, they’re all illusions"
